Domestic Abuse - The Dispicable Profile of the "Domestic Abuser"
Posted: Friday, May 21, 2010
by Christofer French
Rain Dancer Associates, LLC
It has been my observation over the years of professional and personal experience that Impossible Jerks have a way of avoiding each other and seeking out the comfort of tolerant people, so that they can maintain their own survival and not have their rough edges knocked off. Stronger civilized people who just will not put up with them are happy to oblige or other Impossible Jerks who will endeavor to reduce them down to size, as soon as they meet them. We see this in the movies, our myth making machine, in westerns, crime dramas and romantic stories with lots of competition.
Battered women deal with Impossible Jerks. You see, in the beginning, the IJ will not reveal the panoply of his marvelous personality. He is charming and winsome. He must do this to gain company. Company that is trusting and pliable at first. Battered women get much condemnation from people who have not been there. But since this article is not about battered women, but more about the Batterers, I will move quickly to my point. They end up being faced with these dilemmas: "If you leave me I will kill you, or make you so no one will ever want you." Or "You are going to have to kill me. Do you have the will to kill me?" Then when people hear about these situations, they lovingly express the question: "Why won't you leave him?" And then hopefully, they do.
Human Behavior - Game Theory
Let us first look at Game Theory and refer to the beautiful movie called "A Beautiful Mind" the "Nash Equ.ilibrium" was my first exposure to the basic idea of Game Theory and how human behavior can be influenced by it.
"The main purpose of game theory is to consider situations where instead of agents making decisions as reactions to exogenous prices ("dead variables"), their decisions are strategic reactions to other agents actions ("live variables"). An agent is faced with a set of moves he can play and will form a strategy, a best response to his environment, which he will play by. Strategies can be either "pure" (i.e. play a particular move) or "mixed" (random play). A " Nash Equilibrium" will be reached when each agent's actions begets a reaction by all the other agents which, in turn, begets the same initial action. In other words, the best responses of all players are in accordance with each other."
"You Take The One On The Right"
In the movie directed by Ron Howard and starring Russell Crowe, the main character is sitting in a bar and watches the process by which a group of men meet an incoming group of women, and how they select each other's company and pay attention to one another, almost through a "telepathic" process. The best looking man somehow goes for the best looking woman based upon some kind of group understanding. The process then gets more complicated and somehow it works out in an almost "instantaneous" fashion so that coupling occurs by some "unspoken mandate" that everyone agrees to and understands, even though this very process is never addressed or expressed.
Battering Brutalizing Theory - A Game of Disequilibrium
I am by no means a Physicist, but through analogy would like to propose a metaphorical theoretical model of Battering Behavior based upon years of counseling and observation in this arena. A minister encounters these problems, usually, first hand, and as one of the true "first responders" on the scene. The clergy is usually called upon the first few times. Before the concerned friends, before the cops, before the professional counselors, the minister is usually called in and asked to "mediate" a domestic argument. Then, much of the time, it reveals itself as truly a "battering situation". Then it goes through its monstrous cycle, in which the "game of disequilibrium" is played out, often to its most extreme ends.
Its Own Monstrous Pattern
1) The Separation Game - Very different from meeting, greeting and choosing from amongst yourselves, Battering Boys - The Impossible Jerks keep space between themselves. Like a Predator, you can't have too many fangs set to sink into too few prey. They naturally separate from each other, and Select Prey.
2) The Charm Offensive - Whatever they can muster, they do. Some of the more manipulative and some of the more evil types are extraordinarily winsome and sweep a woman off her feet.
3) The Beginning Relationship - Marked by a continuation of the "Charm Offensive", it is all ribbons and bows and light hearted in the beginning, trying their best to be the personification of what they want, these types, not always low level brutish alcoholics, sometimes high level brutish alcoholics, and sometimes, though not often, they are not alcoholics at all. At any rate, they do their best to be all that they can be in light of her expectations and hopes.
4) The First Growl and The First Violence - Sometimes it's just a tap. Sometimes its a big chop, or slap or closed fisted blow to the body, back or arm. They try to stay away from the face the first time.
5) Super Apologies - Everyone knows this part. "I am so sorry, I will never do that again. I was just drinking too much" There are many variations to this part of the game, but it is most always a "lovey dovey onslaught", ending in "make up sex".
6) The Battle Is Joined - This is the largest part of the Game of Disequilibrium. It can take months, weeks, years or one day. Depending upon severity, and largely individual factors, the endless cycle of violence, apologies, make up, and violence again becomes a way of functioning. It has its own dynamics.
7) The End Game - There are examples of these kinds of relationships going on for years, but in the end, there is an end. The path is fraught with "accidental" deaths, hospitalizations, bruisings and outright murder. I have not dealt with how the women react. That is for another article. The point of this article is for those woman to see that this is a TYPE, not YOUR MAN. Depersonalizing the ultimately personal is one of the hardest challenges in all of life. You need to see yourself as a case and take all of the arguments from "Please forgive me. I will change" to theological game to "If you leave I will scar your face". "Killing you will be too easy, I will haunt you for the rest of your life".
From "Pure Hell" to "Mitigated Hell"
The scorn, judgment and "down their nose" treatment of women who have not been battered, you must also deal with, but there are safe houses, and law enforcement. In the last 20 years these resources have grown and changed. In the 80's and before, without the fullness of help that is out there now, it was a kind of "pure hell", instead of a "mitigated hell". To go from pure hell to mitigated hell, you must, absolutely must stop listening to your Batterer. He is a Predator, an Impossible Jerk, and a Battering Boy.
The make up sex does not matter. The appeals to God and Grace do not matter. The financial factors do not matter. How many kids you have does not matter. How close you are to retirement does not matter. The guilt he has made you feel does not matter. Only getting away matters, and plugging in the law enforcement system and professional counselors matters.
A Terrible Education
When you stop seeing him the way he wants you to see him, and you see him as a Predator, then you can go into your Mitigated Hell, and ultimately to Healing and Physical Redemption. Once you save yourself, then you can begin on the rest of your loved ones and your life. When you deal with one of these types, you must understand that you have not been dealing with this Game of Disequilibrium your WHOLE LIFE. You are the Prey. You are the fawn in the woods, the delicate deer on the plain, the unsuspecting foal. You have been trained for productive, peaceful and wonderful outcomes. You must change the way you think about him, and know that because of him you must receive a Terrible Education.
Your New Existence
Down the road, when you have succeeded and graduated into your new life. No one is going to give you a diploma. You will be a specialist in living as a strong individual. You will possess the talents and the heart of a strong woman. It will be as if you are in the Witness Protection Program. You can't talk about him. You can't wear your awards and ribbons and honors. All of those things will be written on the beauty of your Healed Heart, on the textured mural of your Memory, on the wondrous prophecy that is your New Existence. Others will call it a "Normal Life". But you will call it "Salvation"
If you are being battered, find a way out. Seek counseling, seek the help of law enforcement. Use your network. If you have no network, help is out there, just be determined to find it.
Christofer French is an ordained minister since 1973 and with his wife, they have supported safe houses in the Denver area. With a 25 year paralegal career, he has seen this societal problem from several angles. He is the Founder of Astrologygetalong.com, where the importance of matching is one of strong emphasis.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)It's so sad that people either can't see they're in an abusive relationship or just don't know they can get out. Your article is very clear and helps point the way. Thank you.
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