Domestic Abuse - The Snake Falls To the Mongoose - But You Are Not A Mongoose
Posted: Wednesday, October 06, 2010
by Christofer French
Rain Dancer Associates, LLC
Two Odd and Strange Images of Victory and Defeat
An Odd Victor Over A Fearless Enemy
A mongoose is a mammal that lives in India. It is famous because it can kill cobras and other poisonous snakes. A mongoose can attack faster than the eye can see. It knows just the right time to pounce on a cobra and just where to bite. Once the mongoose bites it refuses to let go no matter how hard the cobra squeezes.The mongoose lives on a diet of small rodents, reptiles, frogs, eggs, birds, insects and fruit. Although not fond of snakes as food, the mongoose attacks even poisonous snakes without fear. Usually the mongoose will win because it is very agile. The skill with which a mongoose can evade a cobra's strike and then attack the snake's head is spectacular. The fact that the snake strikes in a set pattern plays an important part in the survival of the mongoose. when the snake raises its head to strike, the mongoose darts into striking range.
A Strange Image of Defeat
American culture is strewn with tragic examples of domestic violence killing, crippling, wounding and simply ruining family life and romantic relationships. There is no answer, response, creative seminar, or yes, even a systematic torture that is a curative or healing for domestic abuse.
It is against everything that is in us to admit this. It is against everything in the female way to think that a solution can not be found. It is against our humanity to think that perhaps we could be just even, a LITTLE BIT AT FAULT. It is against our therapeutic systems to admit this. It is against positive self-directed societal forces to ponder the uncorrectable, the ruinous and the murderous, who are sitting next to us at work, at the diner, at the bar, at church, at the golf club. Those who are labeled "Domestic Abusers" float atop this world of good will and hopefulness and self-recrimination and self-blame. They smile in their dark pernicious way at the societal systems that apparently have no answer.
They are the Plague, and the bug that jumps from creature to creature has not been isolated. So, we simply say: "We have a Plague". And so, the women who live with the Plague, somehow get the Plague. And when they become victims, they must go for one answer.
GET AWAY. GET AWAY. GET AWAY. GET AWAY.
Somehow Child Sexual Abusers Are Understood In A Different Way
Society has geared itself differently for sexual abusers of children. We log them. We follow them. We make laws that are particular to them. We admit that they can not stop their impulses. We conclude that even chemical castration is not really 100% effective. We are practically MILITANT when it comes to this societal problem. Why is it different for Domestic Abusers?
Because an Adult Woman Is Involved in the Dynamic - The Evil Dance
This Evil Dance that the Woman does not want to dance compels the woman to think that if she just learned how to perfectly dance the Evil Dance, that she might not be harmed, that he would be content; that she could invoke some power over him. She does not understand that the Evil Dance is for torture, for prolongation, for respites of love and violent sex. The Evil Dance is made to complicate and muddle the picture. The Evil Dance (the Circle of violence, repentance, forgiveness, hiatus, the increasing tension to violence again) plays into all of the culture's and individual's weaknesses. People believe in the Evil Dance because it is a distortion of a real human process, a bastardization of the human circle of love, apologies, admittance of fault, confession, forgiveness.
Forget What Women Are Supposed To Be
Women grow up to learn that there are rules that are used. Both men and women learn about the rules of getting along. Forget your "nurturing nature". Your "nurturing nature" is being used against you. "Make up sex" - a kind of useful practice in a healthy relationship, becomes CYANIDE for you, when he is involved. It is not only what makes you feminine, but what makes you human. You will be tricked and lied to from every angle. Until you get as cold and determined to figure out a way out of your life, as fast as you can, you will be PREY.
Domestic Abusers learn to laugh at statements of repair and reconciliation: "I'm sorry. I lost my head." They learn to stretch mercy to unholy lengths because again, they are laughing at the human desire to "make things better". They cynically and rapaciously tinker and toy with each and every potential moment for healing and wholeness. They are masters at preying on all of the human emotions that the rest of us treat with respect and reverence.
Solace is a joke. - "How are those bruises coming along?"
Patience is more time.- "I know six months from now we are both going to be better."
Forgiveness is for Reinventing Himself - "I am drying out. Changing my diet. Stopped "honkey tonkin"."
Transformation is to be faked -- an artiface that the Abuser opens up each manipulation with -- "I know I am changed, honey.!"
These things are all laughable in the Abuser's Soul.
There is No Human Equivalent to the Mongoose.
Do Not Stand In Front of the Cobra and Think You Can Survive. The Mongoose Is Legendary! The Only Way You Can Save Yourself Is By Getting Away and Living a New Life. Once you have the Domestic Abuse Plague - Carriers and Victim. You become a part of the problem. Hold it. How can you be a part of the problem? All you did is get together with a guy who started hitting you? TRUE. But now, even though it is not your fault and all you are is a ball being batted, you now are a Victim. You are a Victim. He is the Carrier. HE WILL NOT DIE FROM HITTING YOU. That is why he is a Carrier.
One of the Worst Unworkable Solutions -
Thinking that God is powerful enough to change him. Is God powerful enough? Sure. But your staying around to observe the change is not a part of the solution. Do not put your Faith on the line by saying: My belief is so strong, I will hang around and observe God's work in his life. IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT, DO IT FROM AFAR - ANONYMOUSLY.
The Will To Use New Resources
If you are a victim, just stop and tell yourself. I have one of the most stubborn diseases that mankind knows, and yet, unlike Cancer or Hemorrhagic Fever or Lou Gehrig's Disease, you have a solution that you can act on. There are plenty of resources. Start with friends, church, relatives. If you are willing, there is a world there that will take your hand.
Invictus
by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Christofer French has worked with this issue since the 70's. As a minister and counselor, and legal professional, he has dealt with and written about these and other social problems.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Great article, Christofer. "There is no human equivalent to the Mongoose" - what a brilliant way to put it. There's no way around it: you can't stay within range of an abuser.Thank you Jennifer. I had to find an image that might stick in a victim's head. Somewhat funny, somewhat odd, somewhat unforgettable. Hopefully those words stick when it counts.
Excellent article. Very informative and factual. Has it not been the church's ideals, either historically or presently, maybe their views are changing in these matters, that forgiving and persevering in your marriage even under these circumstances, is God's chosen way for people to deal with these situations? Is turning the other cheek, perhaps even, in part, some of the reason that these acts of violence are observed by the aggressor, that these actions may be accepted to some extent in our society? Whether this perception is false or not, does it not give these violators the pretext that these actions may be tolerated? Just wondering how you feel these issues may or may not apply.I understand what you are thoughtfully and sensitively asking. Let's just blow the lid off. First of all it is hard to comment on the "church", but one can still make an attempt. The church has historically taken Paul's statements and turned them into a "doctrine" about submission, obedience and forgiveness. In my opinion this has been a great fault in the established church. But of course, this gets in to feminist discussions about paternalism, and political talk about allowing men to be the "head of the family". We don't have time for all this talk, so I will jump to the Abuser. As I clearly state in this article, EVERYTHING CAN BE MANIPULATED BY THESE TYPES OF SOULS. So, in the end Domestic Abusers have nothing to do with Roman Catholicism, Protestantism, Paul or any sermons and traditions about these influences. Abusers manipulate everything!!!!!!!!! From the "I'm in charge" doctrine to the "you have to forgive me" doctrine, it all ends up that they dance the Evil Dance to allow them to get their way. Their pathology is manifested in a conscience that is void, a guilt that barely exists. If you were them, wouldn't you want a person who is human and forgiving? They go for the most available, the most civilized, the most compliant. It's like asking the remaining water on the Serengetti to take responsibility for being there. Animals get killed there. Prey/Predator. There is the Predator. There is the Prey. That is what its all about. Religion plays a part, but only like background scenery. The reason I said, "Yes, God can work, but don't hang around" --- is my basic response to this question. Forgive me for being so long.
All of my life I have had a problem with "turn the other cheek". EVERYBODY misunderstands this. Christianity gets a "no win" with this. I investigated this as a student in 1968. The intent of the language is that vengeance not be sought. DONT SEEK VENGEANCE is much different from "turn the other cheek", like some weak kneed softie. People completely misunderstand the images and symbols in Jesus' life. So, sure, this impacts the domestic abuser question, but in a larger sense, it impacts the whole deal. I could go on, but this is a comment. Article should follow.Not at all. I appreciate your kind and thoughtful response. If these issues are swept under the rug, and not openly and thoughtfully discussed, then there can be no measure of exorcising these intolerable actions from our society.The key word is "exorcising". You my friend are worthy of admiration. I see that you see this for what it is. Only the women know this. When you find a man who understands this, you have someone who can truly help. I feel helpless. Maybe we should write a book. This is the largest American tragedy, and no one will talk about it. Since I am a Syncretist, I would say that there is a larger reason that things are this way. Sounds like a way to get out. It's not. It's just that there is a SHAPELESSNESS to this problem.
Good piece with not only questions but some answers. It is time to break this cycle. thanks for addressing this topic.
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