Dearest Diary: I Have Never Been Intimate With You!
Posted: Friday, September 23, 2011
by Christofer French
Rain Dancer Associates, LLC
Dear Diary: I never took you up. Yes, I was probably afraid of writing down intimate events, faults or situations.
Then, in the fury of youth, when I was young, I didn’t take you up as an exercise. I was afraid I was sure I would miss something – something pretty, something drop dead strikingly arresting, and have it not be a Cop; or something inebriating, or something that I had not yet seen before.
Diary, you seemed like a confessional to me. I know that was my guilt, but that’s what it felt like. Once I thought about it about a place where I could mourn or cry. It did not seem manly. Then, I thought, “Yeah, this is for women.” I did not have any empirical or anecdotal information regarding that, but that was one of the reasons I never took you up.
Journaling
Now my life has slowed down, and I have more time for “diary-like reflection”. Still my brain goes at such a fast pace, I think I feel that writing in my diary might slow me down. Again, Diary, don’t take offense. It’s not like I haven’t thought of you.
Dear Diary:
I was just told that “journaling” was good for therapy, for reaching goals, for contemplating the best me. I could not see a difference between “journaling” and you, dear Diary, so I did neither.
Journaling to me, sounded like a Construction Project for the Mind. The person who recommended it to me seemed to be the analytical, methodical accountant type. Somehow it did not appeal to me. I am not even saying it would not be good for me, but it looks like I will never know.
Journaling is like you get a grade, or give yourself a grade for doing well. A diary is much friendlier, and that is much more emotional and psychological.
Maybe, that’s it. I am afraid of being intimate with myself! Oh, Diary! I did not say that correctly. Well, there you are - with a Diary, you don’t have to go back and change it, because you know what you meant to say, and you are the only who is going to read it anyway.
Diary, Do you make me Self Conscious?
And then you can go back and read your “intimate with myself” line, and you can smile and not be embarrassed by it. There, now that is something to be said for a Diary.
Then I was told by someone who knew that I had “graphomania” and that doing a diary was kind of redundant. Like, “Hello, I have already met you today, why should I talk to you again?”
Once when I was very young, I tried to do a diary entry which was really an extended tribute to a beautiful woman. It was beautiful, as she was, but then I found out she did not care for me like I thought she did. But then I felt stupid. Like why would a guy be so dumb wasting all of his time writing to a “Diary”, which is not a person – about a woman who does not appreciate me, who I will never talk to again?
Well, Dear “D”. Sorry for the name shortening. Familiarity, you know, but it’s exhausting coming up with thoughts for you.
Graphomania – Is that a Sickness?
I researched some, and found that Graphomania is probably what I have. Although, taken seriously, as a condition, it can be described clinically and destructively. I see what I have as an emboldened aspiration ignited by fluid flow. I see Graphomania, when viewed in its healthiest state, as a place where torrents of mountain streams come crashing to a little valley with a cabin. It’s all white water. Even in the cabin you almost go deaf with the noise. You see a wolf staring at you, but he is wondering why you are in the cabin writing.
The Diary is a Verb, that ends up being your own Personal Collectible
A diary for me, is like a languid stream. You stop. Put your chin in your hand and wonder if that’s how you really feel, is that the way it really happened. Is this going to be a good enough “entry” for today? The little birds chirp, a hawk makes lazy circles in the air, and you feel like the very act of doing your diary has some transcendent purpose, that it doesn’t really matter what you say in your diary. So, as the years pass, the diary shows age, you keep making entries and your heart goes into the process, and the words matter less than the doing does, and it really does become your own Collectible. Actually, this is the reason I would start to take up a diary. There is something powerfully personal and romantic and meaningful for you, and the sharing is done with you yourself alone.
Now, I like that. I think I might start doing a Diary.
Thinking about why I don’t do a Diary has been a helpful process.
But it wasn’t actually a Diary. It was writing about doing a Diary.
“There I go again!”
Maybe my emboldened aspiration ignited by fluid flow is the collective reason for a Diary.
“Oh this is all so embarrassing”, I said to myself. “Self”, I said, “Shut up! Don’t get cross-eyed over your “Diary problem”.
Just because healthy people do diaries, that doesn’t mean you have to do a diary to show you are healthy. Just go ahead and don’t do a diary and be whatever you are!
After all, the diary is a private process, and no one knows about it.
And, oh, by the way --
This is not a diary, it’s an article!
Oh, that’s why I am enjoying it so much.
This Article has been viewed 392 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Very poeticThanks Arlene. It got personal, and I had to share it, but then I remembered I was not writing to my diary, but to the public. I chose to let this conundrum disturb me to where the only answer was "poetry". Have a great weekend.
Creative, Christofer. Writing a diary for the public and not yourself, you got me thinking.
I think writing your inner-most thoughts and feelings in a diary would be very therapeutic. But I don't think it remains between you and your diary. Someone, somewhere, will eventually read what you've written, and then what? You may be gone by this point, and think it may not matter, but words are powerful. They can heal or hurt those who read them. I don't keep a diary, but I find prayer to give me the same peace of mind. Not the rigid praying we were taught when I was young, just expressing my feelings and thoughts to someone I know will understand. This was a very original idea for a story Christofer. I enjoyed reading it.Your emphasis on the "sharing" of some sort does make sense. And I love your reference to prayer. Thanks so much for your notice.
I laughed all the way through reading this, Christofer, I love the way your mind works. You're so creative and incredibly articulate. Your words light up the page and my imagination!I really appreciate your describing my style and approach. This kind of comment really keeps me going.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.